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Rationally,
I’m almost certain that I’m not the unlovable pathetic annoying needy and worthless piece of shit that I believe myself to be at times.
But rational doesn’t help to much when Im emotionally blinded by old demons.
I hate this game.
I hate this place.
I.was doing so well.
I dont want to be back here.
Im trying to keep on but its so fucking hard to go through the motions.
72 hours of this feels like.72 days.
Hang on. Hang in there.
This too shall pass
But goddamn it feels like a long wait.
please stop
I awoke from a nightmare in which my ex admitted to waking up and missing my form laying next to his.
I woke up choking, sobbing and gasping for air, teara streaming down in torrents as sobs and hoccuping caught my breath.
Tears dripped from my cheeks and to the floor like a strand of pearls beoken apart, cold, heavy and rolling.
Once I finally calmed myself after an hour of hys4terics, I fell into 3 consecutive dreams, each of him, a panic attack and tears awaiting me at the waking of each.
I woke to more sobs and an overwhelming all encompassing pain in my heart. I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t move.
Finally I forced myself to ahower dress amd eat. I barely held it together ling enough to accomplish each. The focus was draining.
Afterwards I gave in and curled up in a ball, sobs accompanied by the playlist I promised myself I’d never play.
Until today.
I forced myself to for a run after two hours of the torture. I could barely focus bursting into tears and nearly doubling over with the strength of the cries.
I feel like a zombie. I’m desperate. Part of my wants to sleep forever. Another bash my head in against the porcelin of the sink. Another rip my heart out and throw it as far as I can manage.
It’s been two years. I’m still in love with the man I thought was my soul mate. The one who left for his best friend. A sadistic parody of how we began in the first place.
He might be my soul mate.
I was clearly never his.
I’m exausted. Hopeless. Desperate.
I’ll do anything to forget. My unrequited love has come full circle.
This pain makes me want to die.
How many nights will i have to lay awake aching again and again and again while he sleeps soundly next to the one he found me i adaquate to?
Im going out of my mind. My throat ks raw. My eyes tried and my mind delirious with this pain.
Please take it away.
Sooty streaks on all her kleenex
Crying my eyes out on Goldens couch.
Good to know my mascara holds up though.
She made me say the words I’ve been running from.
I still love him.
I’ve been running from it and unless I accept it I’ll never heal.
I still love Steve.
I love my boyfriend. Hes the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. He’s a phenomenal communicator and views me as his equal partner and gives me my space and support to be my own self.
I’m still learning how to do that.
It’s terrifying and exciting.
I love him.
My heart is too large to pick and choose.
That doesn’t mean my mind can’t be loyal.
I’m learning how to be an autonomous woman who is her own source of validation.
Grieving is brutal. Rejection is so god damn painful.
The healing is slow. But if I dont accept and let it be, I’ll never see progress.
Then hardest pill to swallow
is the realization that loving him, so completely and fully, each ventricle of my heart filled to burst with his name-
meant nothing.
That he could walk away and send it all to sink, birds fluttering in the surf, frantic exaustion turns to drowning.
The relationship was simply for him to pass the time. Another placeholder so he wouldn’t have to be alone.
Heart pains.
Another layer of scar tissue.
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